


Setting Tongues

by merlywhirls



Series: Friends In Holy Spaces [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (mentions of) - Freeform, Autistic Kenma, Gen, Kageyama-centric, NOT kagehina, ace+aro kageyama ftw, also trans hinata, deaf/hoh hinata, non-verbal kageyama, warning for bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlywhirls/pseuds/merlywhirls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama learns how to open up, how to move on, and how to open his mouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friends In Unwelcomed Spaces

**Author's Note:**

> >As mentioned in the tags, this is not a kagehina (kageyama/hinata) fic  
> >Warnings for mentions of bullying  
> >ALSO OK: Kageyama uses some sign language to communicate (but is by no means fluent) however, I was reading about the grammar and syntax of sign language and decided that I'd try to make it a literal translation. That's why Kageyama's speech might sound 'robotic' - bc there aren't signs for words like 'are'. The structure of the sentences go by topicalisation - meaning, the first word that's signed is the focus, or the object, of the sentence. The important or emphasised part. ANYWAY I think I've done ok, regular written English grammar is beyond me in the first place, so if you guys know better, let me know!  
> >As this is a part of a series, whatever is going on with Kenma will be explored in Kenma-centric chapters, the same with Hinata+Kenma's relationship.

Kageyama considered the pros and cons of throwing his mobile phone against the wall.

**Pros: No more shitty messages from shitty Hinata  
No more shitty messages from anyone**

**Cons: Mum would probably murder me**  
**Dad would probably murder me**  
**Hinata would probably come to my house and murder me**  
**(not that he could, I could easily beat him in a fight, the scrawny little shit)**

Despite his confidence in his fighting abilities, Kageyama thought the cons heavily outweighed the pros. His parents were a force to be reckoned with.

But there was still the problem that he was receiving messages from Hinata. Kageyama wasn’t technology savvy at all, didn’t know how he could turn the messaging function off, if that was even an option. He didn’t have a facebook, or a kik, or a snapchat, or whatever other kind of social media Hinata kept trying to force him into. He just had his phone, to send and receive text messages, and annoyingly, _phone calls._

He only had the stupid thing so his parents could contact him when he went out. He doesn’t know what had come over him, giving his number to Hinata in the first place, but now that regret felt like a vibration on his chest as Hinata kept. Fucking. Messaging. Him.

_r u cumin 2 the lecture 2day?_

Kageyama should have known better. Ignoring Hinata was never a viable option.

_pppplllllleeeeeaaaasssseeeee cum 2 the lecture 2day!!!!!!pls!!!_

_its soooooooo loooooonelyyyyy withouttt uuuu_

_kenma isnt cumin!!!! pls kags!!!!_

And then, because Hinata was an annoying asshole who liked to make Kageyama’s life hell, he even got a message from Kenma.

Hey, Shouyou wants you to come to the lecture today. I can’t, so he needs company.

As if Kenma knew anything about wanting company, Kageyama thought, until the worst possible thing that could happen, happened.

_Incoming Call: Annoying Dumbass_

Kageyama really didn’t want to answer the phone, but he also couldn’t just let it ring out. His anxiety made itself known on the third ring, begging him to answer before it got too late.

Kageyama couldn’t catch a break.

He answered the phone, holding it to his ear and waiting for Hinata to realise he’d picked up.

“Kageyama? Hey! Kageyama! Let me know if you’re there, or if you’re just being a bastard and answering the phone and walking away. Do something!”

Kageyama blew harshly into the phone.

“Yikes! No need to huff so angrily!” Kageyama could practically see the pout on Hinata’s stupid face, looking too honestly put out by Kageyama’s rudeness. “You gotta come to the lecture today, yeah? We’ll arrive extra early and sit at the front. That way you can pretend we’re the only ones there! Please, I’ll even bring you juice.”

Kageyama wasn’t so easily fooled. He knew Hinata just wanted him there to copy his notes when he got too distracted. Hinata didn’t really want _Kageyama’s_ company, just someone he could use as a backup.

Kageyama hung up, but typed a message anyway.

**Milk.**

_waaaaah???_

**Idiot, don’t bring me juice, bring me milk.**

_gotcha!!!!! thnx kageyamaaaa! ur the best!!_

Hinata maybe didn’t really want company. But maybe Kageyama kinda did, even if he’d die before he’d admit it. Especially to Hinata.

Kageyama stared at his bedroom ceiling, chest rising and falling in concentrated breaths. Inhale, five seconds. Hold, four seconds. Exhale, five seconds. Rinse and repeat.

He hadn’t planned on going to the lecture today. He’d just listen to it online, alone in his room and behind a closed door. No people, no noise, no eyes.

Why did he say yes? Kageyama already regretted his decision, and he hadn’t even gotten up to get ready for it yet. Hinata was annoying, and loud, and spoke in strange ways that Kageyama couldn’t follow most of the time.

But Hinata was also one of the only people Kageyama _could_ talk to. Kageyama hadn’t had a conversation with someone other than his parents for a long time before he met Hinata. At this point, he was mostly making-do with what as available to him. Probably much the same could be said for Hinata.

Hinata wouldn’t voluntarily be Kageyama’s friend. Right? People didn’t want to be friends with Kageyama. They mostly just put up with him while they had to.

His breathing was getting out of control again. Kageyama put a hand on his stomach, concentrated on the rise and fall of his hand as he breathed. He thought of other things, any other things, anything that wasn’t the possibility that Hinata didn’t actually _like_ him.

Kageyama felt himself calm down, felt his limbs return from paralyses, and slowly rose from the bed to get dressed. He could think about this later, he figured, when he had time to let the panic take over and he wasn’t expected to function in a public setting.

Kageyama put on his usual stoic face, and left the house.

*

As according to Hinata’s promise, they were the first to arrive at the lecture theatre.

Hinata had brought him a chocolate milk, waving excitedly at Kageyama as he drank his own. Kageyama bowed slightly in acknowledgement, studying the milk carton.

“What?” Hinata asked. He had to jump up on his tippy toes to reach Kageyama’s level, trying to look at whatever it was that had Kageyama so focused.

“Strawberry,” Kageyama signed to him, watching the confusion morph on his face. Kageyama growled. “Milk. Strawberry,” he tried again.

“Oh!” Hinata’s mouth formed into a perfect ‘o’. “Jeez, Kageyama, picky much? Fine, fine, I’ll remember for next time! Who the hell doesn’t like chocolate milk, though?”

Kageyama popped the carton open as Hinata opened the doors to the lecture theatre, taking a long drink. He never said he didn’t like it.

They took the seats right in front of the lecturer’s podium, twenty minutes before the lecturer would even arrive. There was still a decent amount of space between the first row and the podium – two metres and a half, Kageyama had calculated on his first day – so that they weren’t overwhelmingly close. The slope of the theatre also meant that they were nearly invisible to the people entering the back doors.

Hinata already had his notebook and pens out, an assortment of glitter gel pens that he must have gotten from his sister. He usually had pictures drawn all over his arms and legs from the young girl, doodles of people and animals.

Kageyama studied his arms, but they were devoid of drawings this time. He looked up at Hinata, watching the side of his face, and that’s when he noticed it.

He tapped the hearing aid tucked behind Hinata’s ear lightly.

“What?” Hinata asked again, then he smirked. “Have you only just noticed it?”

Kageyama rolled his eyes. “Sun,” he signed.

Hinata’s smirk broke out into a wide grin. “Yeah, Natsu wanted to dress it up a bit. I complained that it was too boring and she told me she’d draw a sun on it! I have a volleyball on the other side, see?” He turned his head so Kageyama could see his left hearing aid, a green and blue volleyball drawn on with permanent marker. “Mum was a little annoyed about it, though,” Hinata told him. “Said I was messing up some expensive equipment. But don’t they look so much _cooler_ now?”

Only Hinata would think the sun and a volleyball would be _cool_ , but Kageyama did have to admire Natsu’s drawing abilities, especially considering her difficult canvas (how had she managed to get Hinata to stay still for so long?) and the fact that she was only seven.

“Kenma especially liked the sun. Kept insisting on sitting on my right so he could look at it.”

That reminded Kageyama something. “K-E-N-M-A,” he finger spelled. “Here, not. Why?”

He didn’t understand why Kageyama had to be here and Kenma didn’t. Why hadn’t Hinata pestered Kenma more to come today?

Hinata shrugged, but he also looked a little disappointed. “Said it was a bad day, couldn’t bring himself to leave the house. I’m gonna go see him after my classes. Oh! Do you wanna come too? The more the merrier!”

Kageyama pointed to himself, brows furrowed.

“Yes, you, idiot.” Hinata tapped him on the forehead. “Kenma likes you, and he needs cheering up. He’s been less ‘ahhhh!’ since Kuroo left for the exchange-thingy.”

 _Kenma likes you._ That sounded like a lie. Kageyama had hardly exchanged words with him, a high communication barrier set up between them. Kageyama didn't speak and Kenma didn’t know sign language, although Hinata was teaching him. He was picking it up pretty well, but hardly had a use for it as Hinata usually wore his hearing aids. And it’s not like he have anything to say to Kageyama. They weren’t really friends. They just knew each other because of Hinata.

“Hey!” Hinata shouted at him, tapping on his forehead again with more vigor. “You’ve got that look on your face – the, waaa one. The, ‘Hinata is being a dumbass and I’m insecure’ face! What’s your problem?”

Kageyama didn’t really know where to begin, but maybe he’d start with the apparent woodpecker concentrating on his head right now. He swatted Hinata’s hand away and took another drink of milk, just so he didn’t have to respond to him.

“You’re coming to Kenma’s,” Hinata decided. “We’re going to play video games and eat potato chips and play with Kenma’s cat!”

Kageyama growled, his patience wearing thin as he gabbed Hinata’s notebook and a pen.

**-Who says I don’t have other things to do?**

Hinata asked, “Do you? What could be more important than cheering up a friend?”

Kageyama paused, pen over the page. Slowly, he wrote out his reply.

**-But we’re not. Friends.**

“Huh?” Hinata’s voice was too loud, too shocked, and it caused Kageyama to jump in his seat. His surroundings came back into focus then, taking note of the white noise of chatter of other people sitting in the lecture theatre. He gripped the pen tightly in his fist, counting breaths.

Hinata took the pen gently from his grip. “Who says you’re not friends? You like Kenma, right? Kenma thinks he’s you’re friend. Hey, wait – you think you’re _my_ friend, right? You are, Kageyama. We’re friends. Even if you don’t want to be, I’m in some of your classes and I have your number! I can find you and force my friendship on you!”

Hinata had that intense look on his face, one that always took Kageyama by surprise. The gravity of his words were weighing Kageyama down, his stare not making him any lighter. Did the idiot realise what he had just said? How important that was?

But maybe he did, but his gaze softened, and he patted Kageyama on the head. “We’re friends,” he said again. “And as friends we have a duty to look after other friends. So, if you’re not so busy _Bakayama,_ come with me to Kenma’s place.”

Kageyama’s thought process halted as Hinata’s attention shifted to someone behind Kageyama. He looked over, spotting Yachi walking nervously over to the podium and standing beside it, waving slightly to Hinata.

“Hiiiiii, Yachi!” Hinata shouted, waving with enthusiasm. He elbowed Kageyama in the ribs. “Wave to Yachi!”

Kageyama did, although he wasn’t sure why. Was Yachi meant to be his friend too? She was there as an interpreter for Hinata, as sometimes the microphone sound backs interfered with his hearing. They had only exchanged a few words, though, mostly about the course material, Kageyama choosing to remain silent while she and Hinata chatted about other things.

Yachi smiled, holding out her hands and bowing her index fingers. _Hello._

Yachi’s arrival meant that the lecture would be starting soon, and Kageyama could let himself get lost in the course material, trying desperately to ignore the crowd behind him, and the sudden change in his plans for the day.

He definitely didn't think he was at the point where he could just go over to Kenma's house, though. But Kenma was quiet and didn’t mind Kageyama’s lack of verbal responses. Maybe it would be okay.

Though Kageyama still doubted that they were friends.

*

Hinata had another class he had to run to, leaving Kageyama alone for a whole hour to do nothing. He tried browsing the campus bookshop, but the employees kept staring at him too much and so he reluctantly decided to leave.

He hid in the library, trying to work out how to get the internet on his phone, when he heard the voices.

“That’s Kageyama, right?”

“Holy shit, it is.”

Kageyama felt his body go cold, then unbearably hot, and then he couldn’t feel a thing at all as his breath stopped short.

Shakily, he pulled his headphones out of his bag and plugged them into his phone. He should have done this in the first place, drown out the voices and the eyes with music, but before he could put the first ear bud in, there was a tapping on his shoulder.

“Hey, Kageyama! How’s it going?”

Kageyama didn’t need to look up to know who it was. He wasn’t sure why he was speaking to him, since the last time they spoke was the last time Kageyama had said a word at all. _They_ definitely weren’t friends.

Kageyama quickly looked up, and just as he thought, his junior high peer Kindaichi was waiting expectantly for his answer.

Kageyama shrugged, staring down at his phone and scrolling through his music.

“Jeez, as rude as ever,” Kindaichi said. He called over his shoulder to someone, and to no surprise to Kageyama, Kunimi approached them.

“Hello, Kageyama,” Kunimi greeted. He sounded considerably friendlier than what Kindaichi did, but Kageyama was still erring on the side of caution, putting in one ear bud and selecting a song.

“How’ve you been?” Kindaichi tried again. “We didn’t hear a thing about you after junior high. Did you quit volleyball or something?”

Kageyama bit his lip, scanning the floor for some kind of escape, any excuse to let him leave this conversation. When he came up empty, he resigned himself to nodding.

“The King quit volleyball?” Kunimi sounded surprised, unaware of the way Kageyama flinched. “What’d you do instead?”

Kageyama couldn’t keep up with this. They weren’t asking yes or no questions anymore, and he knew using sign language would only open up to more questions.

Kageyama shrugged again, making a small grunting sound from the back of his throat. Maybe his lack of response would deter them, would make them leave, but his apparent lack of interest only seemed to annoy them, to spur them on to keep asking questions.

“Come on, you must have done something,” Kindaichi said. “Bet you did basketball, with those crazy tosses of yours.”

It must have been desperation that made him do it. That was the only logical conclusion. He wouldn’t do this in a normal situation, wouldn’t even dream of it, but there he was, opening the messaging app on his phone and selecting Hinata’s name.

**Are you done yet, dumbass????**

Kageyama hated the feeling, but he felt like he needed to be saved.

He looked up Kindaichi and Kunimi, shaking his head at the suggestion he played basketball, then looked back down at his phone, waiting for a reply from Hinata.

_yesssss okkk jeeeez. where r u?_

**Library. Second floor. Hurry up.**

_yes CAPTAIN._

Kageyama felt a drop in his stomach, guilt swimming with his anxiety and rising as bile at the back of his throat.

**Please.**

He was vaguely aware of Kindaichi and Kunimi still talking, but his hearing had been drowned out by ringing, and his vision had tunneled to see nothing but his phone, gripped tightly in his hand.

_yeah man im cumin. u ok????_

“Oi,” Kunimi said, “Earth to Kageyama! What course are you doing?”

Kageyama looked up at them, studied their annoyed faces. Kindaichi had a look of distaste, one Kageyama had seen often, his arms folded over his chest and eyes wandering to look around the floor as if he wanted to be anywhere other than talking to Kageyama. Kunimi looked a little kinder, bending over with his hands on his knees to be at Kageyama’s level, but Kageyama knew from experience that his gentle curiosity usually meant ammunition for later.

What course was he in? Kageyama suddenly forgot. All he could think about was how much longer it would take Hinata to get here, how much longer he’d have to endure this, how much longer he could scrape by without them knowing he doesn’t speak anymore.

He hated crying, but if Hinata didn’t arrive soon, that was probably what was going to happen.

He wondered of Kindaichi and Kunimi could see his distress. Were they still here to torment Kageyama? See how far they had to push to get him to go over? He felt like that was something they could do, something they would think was funny. He felt like a storm inside, waves of crashing panic seeping out of his skin in beads of sweat, in threatened tears. His body felt shaky, but they had yet to ask him if he was alright. They probably were taking enjoyment in his suffering.

A sudden hand on his shoulder felt like an anchor, bringing him back to shore and warming him.

“Hey, Kageyama,” Hinata said happily. “You ready? Let’s go!”

Kageyama couldn’t stand fast enough, nearly knocking Hinata down in his haste. He dragged Hinata behind him, heading for the exit as shouts called for him.

“Yeah, whatever. See ya, Kageyama!”

“See you around campus, right?”

Kageyama really hoped not.

Hinata was grumbling at him, he was vaguely aware, but words still weren’t processing in his stress-addled brain. Just the feeling of Hinata’s arm in his hand was enough to reassure him he had someone, just needed Hinata there, but he couldn't say this. He didn’t know how.

“I thought something was wrong! Kageyama? Was there something wrong? Who were they?”

They had reached the bus stops. Kageyama stopped, letting go of Hinata finally, and followed him to the right bus station to get to Kenma’s house.

When they sat on the bench, Hinata started up again.

“Friends of yours? Were they picking on you? Did you know them? Kageyamaaaa! Talk to me!”

Kageyama shot him a glare.

“Right, right, I don’t mean _talk_ to me I mean – come on! Give me a break!”

Hinata’s waving arms stilled, a deep sigh replacing his frantic questioning as he checked his phone. “Bus isn’t coming for another ten minutes. It’s now or never! Or, like, not for a while, unless you’d tell me while we were at Kenma’s… Something did happen, right?”

Hinata looked honestly concerned. Of all things to happen to Kageyama today, that probably baffled him the most.

“You know,” Hinata said lightly, “It’s really hard to tell what you’re thinking. I don’t know if you know, but you’re face doesn’t change much. Right now you’re like – cool as a cucumber! But you’re also sweaty, which is a little gross, and you haven’t stopped bouncing your leg since we sat down. Also! You said please! In your text! That was weird.” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “So, I can’t know if something is bothering you unless you tell me. And you _can_ tell me. Because we’re _friends_. We did this part earlier.”

Kageyama fixed his gaze on the concrete before him. Concrete didn’t ask him difficult questions.

He heard Hinata huff beside him, and then suddenly his face was in Kageyama’s field of vision, crouching on the ground before him to look up at Kageyama. He startled, nearly kicking Hinata in the face, his practiced scowl already marking his own face.

“You’ll feel better if you tell me,” Hinata promised. Kageyama didn’t know how he was so sure, Hinata seemed like the kind of person who didn’t have problems, didn’t have bad feelings that he had to tell. He couldn’t possibly know, wouldn’t understand why Kageyama was so reluctant to share.

Kageyama would stay silent, like he always does, like he had to be so he wasn’t misunderstood. So no one knew what was going on. It was better that way.

“Okay,” Hinata announced, sitting cross-legged and folding his arms over his chest, “We’re not getting on a bus until you tell me something. Anything.” He pouted in determination, and Kageyama wanted to shake him into oblivion.

“Fine,” Kageyama signed. Hinata’s face lit up until Kageyama rose from the bench, making a start to his bus stop to go home.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Hinata shouted, bouncing around him and tugging on his arm. “That backfired! Kageyamaaa! Fine, I’ll stop asking!”

He let himself be dragged back to the bench, Hinata sitting next to him and slumping, but he kept talking.

“I had a friend in junior high. Well, I guess she wasn’t really a friend. We went to the same middle school too, and that’s when I had decided I’d come out. Fresh start, you know? Mum and Natsu were obviously cool with it, and Mum spoke do the school and they were alright about it, too. Only my teachers would know, and whoever I decided to tell.”

Hinata sat upright, swinging his legs in the air. Kageyama watched his skinny legs, band-aids stuck all up his shins, the tops of his knees and thighs sprinkled with freckles. He had no idea what Hinata was talking about, but he was listening despite himself.

“Except my friend from junior high knew, and she didn’t – well, I just don’t think she believed me. Kept saying I was just a tomboy or whatever. My classmates got confused because she kept calling me by my deadname, and so she decided to tell everyone. This was only a few weeks into my first year.” Hinata sighed slightly, leaning forward so he could look at Kageyama. Kageyama didn’t look away. “Anyway, after that I had been outed to everyone and not all of them really understood or even liked it. On top of that, I couldn’t hear! I was a real freak.”

Hinata smiled broadly at this, so bright that Kageyama was taken aback. He was in a daze as the bus pulled up in front of them, only coming back to sense when Hinata called for him to hop on.

They sat at the very back, the bus blissfully quiet.

Kageyama turned to him as the bus pulled back onto the road. “Why tell me?”

“I ran into her – the friend from junior high – a few months ago. She still called me by my deadname still, said I would be such a pretty girl if I grew out my hair. It hurt, still. It had been a long time since someone called me a girl. But also – I laughed. I laughed a lot, Kageyama, you have no idea! She thought I was mad!”

Kageyama couldn’t help but agree. “Mad, you.”

“Oi,” Hinata swatted his hands playfully. “The point is that she didn’t know me at all! She never did! Someone who never takes the time to really understand you isn’t worth your spit! I don’t know who those guys were, but I don’t think they knew you very well.”

Hinata was staring out the window, watching the passing buildings with mild curiosity, giving Kageyama space to contemplate what he just said.

That, apparently, Hinata did understand. And Kageyama was being self-centered again.

He tapped Hinata on the shoulder, waiting until his attention was fully on him before signing. “Junior. Volleyball.” He paused as he realised he didn’t know the sign for ‘teammates,’ annoyed at how telling that was.

But Hinata seemed to understand. “You played volleyball with them?”

Kageyama nodded. “Like me, not.”

“Why?”

“Rude.” Kageyama felt the heat of shame burn on his cheeks.

“Them or you?” Hinata asked, looking surprised when Kageyama pointed to himself. “You were rude to them?”

Kageyama’s hands waved in the air, grappling for the words. He wasn’t good enough at sign language to fully explain to Hinata what he meant, and he couldn’t say the words, couldn’t even form them coherently in his head.

This was why Kageyama preferred not to speak at all. This was too hard, and Hinata was bound to misunderstand.

Hinata noticed his struggle and offered, “Were they being stupid?”

Kageyama wanted to say yes, but he knew that wasn’t actually the right answer. “Not good enough.”

Kageyama was surprised when Hinata laughed. “You were mean to them because they were shit at volleyball? I really don’t want you to see me play now!”

Kageyama sat back against the seat, holding his head in his hands. Frustration was washing over him, the impulse to bite at his fingers overwhelming. They were useless at signing, conveying what he was thinking, just like his tongue was useless at saying what he meant.

Hinata pulled the cord roped around the railings, the bus pulling into the next stop for them to get off. Kageyama didn’t sign anything, just followed Hinata out the doors and trailing behind him as they walked through the streets.

“So?” Hinata called over his shoulder. “There’s gotta be more to it than that! You tell me I’m bad at everything all the time.”

He stopped at a street corner, facing Kageyama as he waited for him to catch up. Kageyama stood next to him, pulling out his phone and typing carefully before thrusting it in Hinata’s face. He turned away, staring out at the road so he didn’t have to watch Hinata read his message.

**My therapist says I don’t fully explain what I mean when I say stuff. So people take it the wrong way and they get mad at me.**

“Well not talking altogether won’t solve that!” Hinata told him. Kageyama snatched the phone back from him.

**That’s what my therapist says.**

“I’m not a professional,” Hinata said, a grin spreading over his features. “But I think maybe if this guy says so, then I must be onto something.”

Kageyama pushed him, but Hinata laughed anyway, skipping down the street and calling over his shoulder again.

“Come on, Kenma is waiting!” The wind carried his voice to Kageyama. “We’ll always try our hardest to understand what you mean, okay? Pinky promise!”

The space between Kageyama and Hinata felt huge, the footpath going on forever before it reached Hinata’s beaten up converse. Kageyama was being left behind again, looking over and finding he was alone, only this time he was being beckoned to follow.

The space between Kageyama and Hinata _was_ huge, but Kageyama figured that if he really wanted to catch up, he better run.

Kageyama chased the sunlight with all the power he had.


	2. Friends In Unlikely Spaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takeda, Kageyama's therapist as well as a part-time counsellor at the university, hooks Kageyama up with a pen-pal to help him talk to people more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is entirely letter correspondences between Kageyama and Old Coach Ukai.

To Ukai,

Takeda said that I could write to you. But, you already know that, obviously. He said to talk to you about anything I wanted, but that I should be clear and concise. If I haven’t been clear or concise, you’re meant to tell me. Takeda assures me that you will be very honest.

I don’t know what to say to you, though.

Takeda said that you’re in the hospital. Are you okay? 

This was a bad first letter. ~~I don’t know what to say~~ I already said that.

Sorry.

From,  
Kageyama Tobio

*

Tobio,

You’re meant to be telling me things about yourself, how you’re feeling and all that mushy crap. Clear and concise doesn’t mean short sentences. You sound like a robot, kid!

Tell me about your friends, your classes, shit kid, you can tell me about your damn crush. Anything. Tell me how stupid you think Takeda is! That’d be funny. My grandson, Keishin, he would be livid if I started spouting off crap about that guy.

Ah, but Takeda is a good guy, even if he is a persistent bugger.

I’m in hospital because I’m old, but I’ll be out soon. Don’t worry about me, there’s still plenty of life running through these veins! I’ve got shit to do, you know.

-Ukai

*

Dear Ukai,

I’m not very interesting. I don’t want to bore you.

I have friends. Hinata and Kenma. They’re in my statistics class. Hinata is an annoying dumbass who doesn’t know how to shut up, and he’s always jumping around everywhere. Like his feet were trampolines. Also, he’s shit at volleyball. He can jump but that’s it. He made me toss for him the other day, but I could only do three before I backed out. Then he made Kenma do it. Kenma is quieter. He plays a lot of video games. I don’t know how he can stand being around Hinata so much, but he seems to really like him. We’re kinda only friends because we both know Hinata, but Hinata says he likes me. I don’t know.

My classes are fine, I guess. I’m passing.

I don’t have a crush on anyone! That’s just too weird.

Takeda is very kind and I’m very grateful to him. He’s helped a lot, even though sometimes it doesn’t look like it. I’m grateful to you, too. Thank you for talking to me.

How old are you?

From,  
Kageyama Tobio

*

Tobio,

You don’t just ask an old man how old he is. Little brat! Old enough, that’s all you need to know!

You play volleyball, huh? Or used to? Why could you only do three tosses, kid? Tell me more about your friends. How do they make you feel? That’s the kind of shit you’re meant to be telling me. I’ve got a list of instructions from Takeda.

You say ‘I don’t know’ a lot. If this Kenma kid likes you, and you like him, then you’re friends. It’s not that complicated. If you’re in doubt, then just ask him. Why is having a crush weird? I didn’t really mean you had to tell me about your love life, sheesh. Just a suggestion.

And stop sounding so constipated! Loosen up!

-Ukai

*

Dear Ukai,

Just wondering, you’re not going to die in the middle of our correspondence, are you? That would be traumatic.

(I’m joking.)

I used to play volleyball in junior high, but my teammates didn’t like me. I tossed to them during a match, and no one was there to spike it. I kept thinking that Hinata wouldn’t be there to spike it, when we were playing in Kenma’s backyard.

I do like Kenma. I like Hinata too, as much as I complain about him. They make me feel understood. Kenma isn’t very good at communicating either. He can study people, but they scare him. He doesn't like being noticed, and I can relate. I don’t like people talking to me, in case they misinterpret what I say to them. Sometimes Hinata doesn’t understand, but that’s just because he’s an idiot.

I’ve never had a crush on someone in my life. I think. It doesn't interest me. Is that weird? Hinata got annoyed at me because I didn’t understand what he meant when he said he liked Kenma. He said, “like, like.” That didn’t make it any easier. Then he had to say he wanted to date Kenma and that's when I understood. He said it wouldn’t usually take people this long to get it. I didn’t tell him I’ve never had a crush, because I didn’t want him to think I was weird. I’m already weird enough. This isn’t something I’ve told Takeda.

I’m going to stop talking.

From,  
Kageyama Tobio

*

Tobio,

Very funny joke. I showed it to my wife (don’t worry, only that one line, nothing else) and she laughed so hard a passing nurse shushed her. She’s now making bets with the rest of the family if I’ll die before we stop writing to each other. She thinks I’ll die first, so we have to keep this up for at least a few years. She doesn’t like losing.

One missed spike and you stopped playing completely? Don’t give me that crap, kid. What else happened, huh?

I don’t understand it myself, kid, how you cannot have had a crush on someone. I don’t mean that you need to explain yourself more, just that it’s not something I’ve ever experienced. My first crush was on this girl in kindergarten, because she wore daisy hair ties and I liked the look of it.

But, listen, the world is too big for anything to be ‘weird’. I’d hate to break it to you, but you’re not as unique as you think. There’s too much going on in the universe for any one thing to be happening for the very first time. Especially when it comes to people. There are seven billion people walking around this earth, seven billion stories and lives. How many different lives do you think they can lead? How many different reactions can they have to things? I can’t believe that you are the first in seven billion that has never had a crush in his life. I think that’s impossible.

If it’s something that really worries you though, tell me about it. Or tell Takeda. He’d probably be able to tell you something more substantial than ‘get over yourself.’ But I WON’T tell him for you. That’s cheating, and don’t even think about it.

Jesus, kid, the whole point of this is so you DO talk. Talk your heart out. Tell me whatever bullshit zips through your mind.

Right now I’m wondering how long I’m gonna have to wait until dinner gets here, and if it’s just gonna be shitty soup again. I’m wondering if I can get Keishin to bring me in meat buns, even though visiting hours are over. He’d probably do it, too. He’s a delinquent like that.

-Ukai

*

Dear Ukai,

I don’t know if I’ll have enough to say to last years. But I’ll try, I guess. For your wife.

It was a missed spike and… complete isolation from the team. They didn’t kick me off the team, but they made sure I knew I wasn’t welcome. When I kept turning up to practice they started saying things to me. And then outside of practice. No matter what I said to defend myself, it just made things worse. I just kept making them hate me. I don’t like talking about it.

What you said, about this thing not being unique to me, made a lot of sense. I told Hinata. He didn’t get it either, but he said if it was a thing, then Kenma probably knew about it. Kenma said he had heard about it, and we looked it up on the internet. There’s a name for it. Aromantic. Not being interested in romantic relationships, not feeling romantic attraction. I feel better about it now. I must have looked relieved, because even Kenma gave me a one-armed hug.

Hinata once told me that I don’t really show emotions on my face, so I guess this was a big deal.

Right now I’m putting off doing my assignment. I have to do it though. I have a meeting with the university caseworker to see how I’m doing. I don’t want to tell her bad things.

From,  
Kageyama Tobio

*

Tobio,  
I’m very happy for you that you found something that fitted you, knowing that you’re not alone. You’re never ever alone in any of this.

Which is why I’m going to ask you to talk about it. You know what I’m talking about, kid. Spill.

-Ukai

*

Dear Ukai,

It’s stupid. 

Kageyama Tobio

*

Tobio,

Come on, kid, don’t shut down on me now. Takeda can’t tell me what you’ve told him, but I’m guessing that you haven’t told him much. I think it would be an important step for you to tell someone about junior high. It’s clearly not ‘stupid,’ since it’s caused you so much strife.

I’m here to listen. Make me the first to understand.

-Ukai

*

they made me realise that im not a good person to be friends with im arrogant and rude and shut people down when they don't meet my expectations but what was i meant to do? they werent fast enough for my tosses when they needed to be and they didn't care enough, i could see it, it was all just a joke to them. and then i became the joke, the next thing to not be taken seriously, and they made sure the rest of the school knew too. complete strangers that i had never spoken to were calling me king! who the fuck were they anyway? what did they know? the more i yelled at them to leave me alone the more i became the monster. they started it and they took away from me the one thing i enjoyed. i havent played a proper game of volleyball since i was 14 and now im too scared to, i havent had any friends until now and even now im scared theyre going to leave me or turn on me or remind me how unworthy i am of any kind of relationship, of any human decency. i am mean and arrogant and rude and i dont know how not to be. whatever. its better if i dont speak at all since i havent spoken no one has been angry at me or left me out in the dust because no one would be my friend in the first place and thats fine that suits me i dont have to put up with idiots who know nothing

sorry this took so long

kageyama tobio

*

Tobio,

Remember when we said clear and concise? The bare minimum of that is grammar, kid. I’m returning your letter, use it as a draft, and write me something more coherent. Tell me details, tell me why this upset you, tell me everything.

Tell me everything.

-Ukai

*

Dear Ukai,

Takeda has told me that I don’t properly explain my thought process when I say certain things, and so it can easily be misinterpreted. When I told my teammates to “go faster,” they didn’t know I didn’t mean it as a critique of their work, but rather as something that needed to be done if we wanted to win. I expected too much of them. I know now I was part of the problem.

But the ensuing bullying was not my fault. My teammates called me the ‘King of the Upper Court’ and said I was a dictator. I understand what they meant by that. But they didn’t have to take it so far where I became afraid to speak. I’m still afraid to speak. They got people outside of the club to join in, too. I was completely singled out, and I had no ally.

But I probably made it worse. When I went to middle school and I didn’t speak to anyone, they all talked about me. Not replying to people is rude, but I was so scared. But it made things worse. You can’t make friends if you don’t talk to them, and not talking is a different thing to do. I was singled out again because I was different, and it made me retreat even further into myself. Instead of forcing myself to speak, I learned sign language, so that I could at least say some stuff to my parents (I taught them sign language too). I took the easy way out.

I’m fooling myself into believing things are easier if people didn’t talk to me and I didn’t have to talk to people. But it’s not.

I want to talk to people but now it feels like it’s all too late. What could I say after five years?

Thank you,  
Kageyama Tobio

*

Tobio,

Thank you for telling me all of this. I’m truly proud of you, son.

Try saying hello.

-Ukai

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure about the formatting. Let me know if you think I should distinguish their letters?


	3. Friends In Happy Spaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama starts to take his small steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna say it now, thank you for even reading this far omg.

It was all about taking small steps.

This was what Takeda told him. _Small steps can take you far, Tobio_. But it also took forever.

He couldn’t even tell people about his small steps. They’d start expecting more from him, big steps he wasn’t ready to take. Kageyama felt eyes all over him, too many people invested in his progress. So he had to take his progress all on his own.

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror. His parents had gone out to work, and he didn’t have class until that afternoon. The mirror was still foggy from his shower, and he drew a smiley face. His first practice. His first victim.

His voice would be deeper now. He probably won’t recognize it, wouldn’t know it was his unless he wiped away the rest of the condensation and watched his lips and tongue form the word. He had brushed his teeth and rinsed with mouthwash three times. He could taste the blood on his tongue from his abused gums, could taste it down his throat as he drank his fifth glass of water. He was being prepared. Kageyama was determined to do this.

He swallowed thickly. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared. The face he drew on the mirror looked grim now, streaks of falling water making it look like it was crying. Kageyama’s heart was beating so profoundly in his chest he was worried it would break his ribcage.

He drank another glass of water, swishing it around his mouth, gargling before swallowing. It was time for the word to come out.

He looked into the eyes of the smiling face, the finger-width exposed mirror reflecting his red cheeks. He opened his mouth.

“Heh.”

Kageyama’s throat seized up. He gripped the basin tightly, watching his knuckles turn white as he tried to control his breathing. Inhale, five seconds. Hold, four seconds. Exhale, five seconds. Rinse and repeat.

_It’s just me, talking to no one, talking to a fucking mirror, it’s no big deal…_

He was going to do this.

Kageyama took a deep breath, looking back at the mirror, and tried again.

“H-ell…” He coughed. “Oh.”

His voice was definitely deeper, a lot gruffer than in junior high. But that was to be expected, puberty along with it not being in use for so many years.

He let out a long exhale between his lips. He was nearly there.

He wiped away the rest of the condensation, looking into his own eyes as he said, as confidently as he could, “Hello.”

Kageyama smiled despite himself.

Small steps.

*

Kageyama greeted himself in the bathroom mirror every morning for the next three weeks.

Sometimes it would take him hours to muster up the courage, to get the word to come out, that he would end up late for classes. Sometimes, when he was already late, it would be quick, as if he had been doing it his whole life.

When he told Takeda, his therapist nearly jumped out of his seat and hugged him from excitement. Kageyama was a bit overwhelmed by his enthusiasm, but he couldn’t stop the creeping smile on his face when Takeda said he was proud of him.

“It’s good that you’re finding your own pace,” he had said. “Do you know what the next step for you might be?”

Kageyama nodded, told Takeda his plan.

Kageyama remembered exactly what the last thing he had said to his parents was. He was leaving for school in the morning, bag over his shoulder and toast stuffed into his mouth as he mumbled, “’Bye.”

He didn’t even know if they heard him.

But he owed it to them the most, after all these years of agonizing over him. They would be the first people he’d speak to, Kageyama decided. His parents had been nothing but supportive, as supportive as they could be, and Kageyama sometimes still wondered what he ever did as a son to deserve it.

A Thursday would be the best day to do it. It was the only time Kageyama and both of his parents were in the house for breakfast together, the only day Kageyama had afternoon classes. This week was no exception, and so Kageyama found himself standing at the kitchen entrance, watching his parents make breakfast together, and feeling the sweat pour all over him.

His mother noticed him first. “Good morning, Tobio. We’re nearly done here, have a seat.”

His father turned to him too. “’Morning!”

Now was the time. Kageyama took a deep breath, closed his eyes and shouted, “Hello!”

He heard the clanging of dropped cutlery, the silence of shock, and then the sound of approaching footsteps.

A hand fell on his head, slipping to cradle it gently, fingers running through his hair. Kageyama moved into the gesture, planting his face on his mother’s shoulder as another hand came slapping on his back.

“Hello,” his mother said.

“Hello,” his father said.

“Hello,” Kageyama whispered into his mother’s skin, and cried.

*

The next problem was Hinata.

It had been four months. Kageyama would say hello, good morning, thank you, please, yes, no, and good night. He spoke to his parents, spoke to Takeda (much to the man’s delight) and, as advised by Takeda, spoke to his dog.

Yoshie was probably his favourite to talk to, mostly because she didn’t talk back. The first time she had barked at him, growled at him as if he were a stranger, but soon enough understood his commands to sit and stay, recognized him as the same Kageyama from before. He would tell her about his day, what work he had to do, and made promises to take her for walks. Yoshie was the only exception to his ‘bare minimum’ rule when it came to speaking, and the way she would drape over his lap and lick at his hands, Kageyama suspected she understood her importance.

But his next problem, no, his next _small step_ was Hinata, his first friend since junior high.

Hinata worried him the most.

“I don’t want him to make it a big deal,” he told Yoshie. “It was a big deal for mum and dad, and a big deal for Takeda, but Hinata is my friend. I just… want him to go along with it.”

He sighed, running his hand through her black fur as they sat on his bedroom floor.

“He’s unpredictable,” Kageyama murmured. Kenma probably wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. Maybe if he spoke to Kenma first, asked him to talk to Hinata about it… But no, that would be making it a big deal, and Hinata might be pissed that Kageyama was talking to people that weren’t him.

Yoshie sighed with him.

He just needed to act cool and casual. If he pretended it wasn’t a big deal then maybe Hinata would pick up on it. Or maybe he won’t. Sometimes he was just too thick.

But he had decided to do it. When Kageyama decided he was going to do something, he stuck with it.

He stood up, wiping the dog hair off his pants, and grabbed his bag. Yoshie followed him to the front door, and he paused to say to her, “Wish me luck.”

Yoshie barked him off.

*

He found Hinata waiting at their usual spot, Kenma surprisingly sitting on the bench too. Hinata looked very happy to have Kenma there, having finally succeeded in forcing the kid out of room. Kageyama knew how hard it was to come to the campus some days, and he knew Kenma wasn’t having a good time of it lately, but he looked relaxed in Hinata’s jumping shadow, smiling vaguely at the boy.

Kenma pointed to Kageyama as he approached, Hinata zipping around to face him.

“Oi!” Hinata shouted, bounding up to Kageyama and jumping at his chest. Kageyama spluttered in surprised as he tried and failed to catch Hinata, ending up getting knocked back onto the ground with Hinata on top of him, groaning.

“You were meant to catch me,” he whined. He rolled off Kageyama and set his hat firmly back in place.

“Dumbass,” Kageyama barely breathed, but he saw Hinata’s eyes go wide, then he was jumping back onto his feet and running over to Kenma.

“Did you hear that?” Hinata shouted incredulously. “First thing he says to me, ever, and he calls me a dumbass!”

“To be fair,” Kenma told him quietly, “You did push him over.”

“Still!”

Kageyama had to get himself up, feeling the ache of a graze on his back from where he landed, and picked up his bag. He walked over to his friends, Hinata with a pout on his face, and said, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Kenma replied, while Hinata blew a raspberry.

“ _Now_ you’re being nice! I want an apology!”

“Not gonna,” Kageyama retorted. “You are a dumbass.”

He didn’t know where these words were coming from, wanted to take them all back, wanted to stop talking _right now_ , but Hinata was poking him in the cheek and telling him that he was a big meanie while Kenma complained that they were going to be late, and it wasn’t a big deal, Kageyama talking was not a big deal at all.

He walked to class with them silently, Hinata still spouting off indignation, but he felt lighter than he had in a long time, as if the wind could pick him up and carry him away, light as a feather.

Kageyama wanted to keep going through life like this, face kissed by the breeze, and wings outstretched.

Small steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Yoshie Takeshita](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoshie_Takeshita) is the name of an All-Japanese women's volleyball player nicknamed 'world's smallest and strongest setter.' You can't tell me Kageyama wouldn't look up to women's volleyball players too. (I always find women's sports to be more ruthless, anyway; girls always go the extra mile, it's fucking incredible).
> 
> Thank you!! So much!! For reading!! omg


End file.
